A week into my holidays, I still haven’t opened a school book. Christmas was nice, but it was small and fast. Fewer people, less stress. Different but good - I have a feeling Christmas will continue to feel those two things for a few years.
Speaking of which, I was talking to my dad about that stuff. First I was a kid, then I was a teenager, then I was in my early twenties - all these phases lasted a few years, 10 years, 5 years, 3 or 4 years, and they were fairly straightforward and kind of boring. Go to school, go to high school, get a crappy job, move out, spend money, have fun. Then I started college and that was a phase in itself - 2 and a half years, a complete routine, a daily, weekly, monthly, semesterly routine. Now that’s going to be done. Wow, I just realized that 1 month from today will be my graduation day. I have an interview to go to in the first couple of weeks of January. Who knows what will come of that, but it’s scary and exciting. The point I’m trying to make here is, this is a phase in my life where I don’t know what will happen. It’s totally open, blank, giving me no hints at what I’m supposed to be doing, which paths to take or decisions to make. That’s because there is nothing I should be doing anymore. It’s up to me and now I can do whatever I want. I always could, of course, and I sure did, haha, but this is where I say, “This is what I want my life to be” and then make it happen. And I guess I don’t quite know yet, which is also scary - maybe a little exciting, mostly scary. I should feel proud of myself for feeling that way, like I can do anything I want, and I really believe that. I shouldn’t put too much emphasis on the here and now - I can still make changes and do what I want in a year, 5 years, 10 years. But I want to love my life so bad - I want to be happy, feel like my life is full, of love, of interest, especially of passion for whatever I’m doing.
This year feels like a big year. Bigger than the other ones because of the total uncertainty. Like, I am curious to see how it plays out. I’m gonna make it good, I’m gonna promise myself that.
